Sober and Shameless

The Truth

I have been asked many times how my husband died and for all these weeks I have been at a loss for words. As this year comes to close and the new year is slowly approaching, I want to be finished with that painful question. 
It is with a very heavy heart that I say, September 5 John committed suicide, after a battle with depression.
I did find him. It is a scene that will be with me until the day I die; the second I walked in the room, before I even saw him on the bed, I knew death was present. Death is quite and very still; it hangs in the air and freezes all movement and time. I knew he gone before I even found him. The angel of death is swift, certain and unforgiving.  
I have been left with great wondering. I wonder what he was feeling in the last minutes of his beautiful life. I wonder why he did not call me, or his family or his friends, or anyone. I wonder what he thought about when he loaded the gun, looked at the pictures of our sweet children, as he sat on the bed and texted each of us, ‘I love you’. I wonder what he felt in the final moments as he laid down and I wonder what his last thought was as he put the gun to his head. I wonder if he finally felt a sense of peace that his terrible pain would be over in a matter of seconds and I wonder if he heard the gunshot or if he felt any pain. I wonder many things. Sometimes, all fucking night long, I wonder.
I have had the private and spiritual privilege to witness incredible pain in the lives of others. I consider it, and always have, an honor to walk families and addicts through their darkest days. I have sat with a family as they told their 21-year-old son, as he came out of a coma, that while driving drunk in a black out, he killed a family of 5 and would be spending the majority his life in San Quentin. I have sat at the grave site of a 55 year mother who died in her sleep from drinking, while her sweet children slept in their rooms and finally I have sat with a father who lost 2 of his 3 kids to a drunk driver, as he sobbed and screamed beneath the crushing and insurmountable pain of the loss of his beloved children and I have watched each of these families, in time, know a new happiness and find meaning in their loss. I have found solace in the knowing that I cannot bare wittiness to the grace of god in the lives of others and not believe that same grace will be fall me and mine.  
It is said that pain is the touchstone to spiritual growth and I understand this now in new way. My heart has been broken, wide open, vulnerable, exposed, as if I am without skin. I am able to feel different, more and deeper. I am able love and laugh and cry in a way I could not before. I can see more clearly the pain in others and have a deeper understanding of the fear that can strangle slowly the life vibration out of a living being as they sit by helplessly and watch a loved one slip away into the dark. I have a new compassion for the helplessness and a new appreciation for the amount of love it takes to truly let someone go, knowing full well, you may never see them alive again. 
The pain of the last four months has, at times, left me with a feeling of wanting to retreat, as if he blew a huge hole right through the middle of my life, and all I have built is being sucked through the gaping wound. My faith was shaken, my legs weak and my heart broken but I as I caught my breath and my balance, I have emerged with a new and fierce motivation to rise above. I will not have John’s suicide define my children or me. I have worked each day for 18 years to heal, recover and to find the strength to face the world, chest forward, head up, and step into the life I was meant to live, with passion and purpose. I have a renewed inspiration to be of service and to fight and wage the war against addiction.  
In this new year, I recommit myself and my purpose to fighting, encouraging, inspiring and illuminating the way of the dark and into recovery, where a new life, a new hope and a new existence can be had by anyone who is broken and brave enough to simply surrender. 
I have been down the last many months but I am not out. I am back and I am ready for 2012. 
Thank you again for your unwavering support, thoughts, prayers and emails. You each have helped carry me through some of the most difficult days of my life. 
Sober and Shameless.

Surprise! We are not surprising you

I wrote an article on intervention for thefix.com.

Enjoy.

Sober and Shamless, Kw

http://www.thefix.com/content/surprise-were-not-surprising-you

Facing Fear

I have spent most of life this way, anticipating a monster around every corner and challenge in my life. I have walked through tremendous times in my sobriety. I knocked on 22 doors of homes I robbed -- knees shaking, stomach turning, dry mouthed -- and slowly acknowledged the harm and pain I inflicted on these innocent families.

I have walked into stores, too numerous to count, with no home, phone or personal references and asked for employment, only to be turned away, time after time. Having to dig deep and tap into my perseverance, finally I found a job and began to put my life back together.

I have stood behind the man who raped me, only to have my fear of him morph into an unexpected sense of compassion, leaving him in peace to find his own way in recovery. I have sat with my family and friends and listened with grace and dignity about the harm and effect I had on their lives. I have stood in front of family and friends and vowed my life to a man I love, given birth when I was sure I was unworthy of children, and I have stood in front 2,500 people, turned the microphone on and shed light on my darkest days. I have traveled the country working with families, and I have published my first book. And even after all this, I still get held up by fear.

I realize how great I am at surviving, but that I’m only just now learning how to live. I can survive hopeless drug addiction, rape, and the freezing, ruthless streets that nearly killed me, but do you know I cannot make banana nut bread? No matter how hard I try. I have tried recipes from Martha Stewart, Cooking light and Real Simple to name a few, and for the life of me I can get the middle to cook as quickly as the sides. All I want to do is make a %&*# loaf of bread to feed my kids as my mom did for me, but instead I end up with bread that is raw in the middle and two laughing little children who think it is funny that their mom doesn’t know how to cook.

Do you know that I am afraid to have people over for dinner? I am scared that somehow people might see through my pretty furniture and shiny floors and be able to tell how unsure of myself I truly am. It is amazing to me that I can put on a Calvin Klein suit and stare at myself in the mirror only to see the lost, drug addicted broken girl staring back me. I walk out the door to my presentation with a fear deep within, that when the lights go down and the spotlight finds my body, that all the audience will be able to see is the scared girl that is hiding in me. I feel fear as I navigate through the male-dominated addictions industry, struggling with the belief that my thoughts and feelings and ideas are valid and purposeful.

There is no greater captor than my own mind and the limitations I put on myself. I have done a good job facing my fears but as my life gets larger and healthier, I am still, at times, held back by fear. My greatest challenge is my deep fear of being seen. Maybe it is the bitter aftertaste of rape, maybe it is memory of my past -- that if I am truly seen, then the world will find out that beneath it all, I am scared and, sometimes, feel unworthy of all the respect and success I have created in my life.

I want to take my rightful place in this world, shrinking back for no one. I want to stand face forward, chest out, arms at my side and walk straight into my destiny. One day at a time, I want to live free of the bondage of fear and self-doubt. Today, I will live free. Fear will no longer be an excuse not to live my life to the fullest.

Ten Suggestions for the Holiday Season

As a family interventionist, I have spent the last 15 years supporting families of addiction through the holiday season and into the New Year. Some families are still waging the war, trying to save themselves and their loved ones and some families are in early, middle or the later stages of recovery. Whatever phase families are in they all need support and guidance. I have come up with the top ten suggestions I have given families over the years. I hope they help you or someone you love.

1. Tell the truth. Families of addiction are afraid to tell the truth. The most painful truths, when told with compassion, can mend broken relationships. It is not pain that splinters families, it is dishonesty. Be honest with yourself and those you love. Take the risk to live a transparent life. Hide nothing; Live open.

2. Be mindful of your own relationship with alcohol and other chemicals. You cannot pass on what you do not have. Be an example.

3. Do not let your holiday plans be derailed by another person's choices or consequences. Addiction will derail the best laid plans if you allow it. Stay focused on path, your family will follow.

4. Create new family holiday traditions that do not include alcohol. If addiction has affected your family first hand, it makes sense to take a break from all substances and enjoy life and the holidays unaltered, sometimes for the first time, in years.

5. Do not be afraid to be different. Not as many people as you think will notice if you choose to take on number 4. Set the tone for your family and lead the way. It simply is not true, that 'everyone drinks at the holidays.' Be brave. Be sober.

6.  For families and addicts alike, always have an exit paln, when attending holiday parties. Always have a way out, a safe ride home, numbers in your pocket, of people to call for support, your own car, numbers to taxi's or friends, or all of the above, but always have a way out.

7. Attend a 12 step meeting. You do not have to have your own addiction to attend a 12 meeting and the redemption in the rooms is almost contagious and the good will palpable.

8. Be of service to someone else. Give freely of your time. Nothing soothes the soul like getting outside of yourself. For example, It is a very powerful to leave the comfort and warmth of your own home and feed the homeless, even if your own heart is breaking, you will feel better. I promise. 

9. Play. Families that have been affected by addiction become accustom to heavy tension, free floating fear and a sense of powerlessness, to help themselves and those they love most. Over time, this 'walking on egg shells feeling' becomes the norm. Families need to play. Run on the beach, walk down a sidewalk and notice something you have not before, or get up five minutes earlier and simply stare out the window and take in the beauty of early morning.

10. Write a gratitude list. Families of addiction can have a narrow tunnel of vision as addiction slowly takes over the lives of the family members. Write a gratitude list. Put down everything you are grateful for. I guarantee that by you get number 10 you will begin to feel better, if only for moments.

Remember always, if the addict in your life is using or not, it is possible to have a joyous holiday season. Rest, enjoy and ring in the new year with a festive heart, always bearing in mind, as long as the addict is still breathing there is hope for change, recovery and redemption.

Sober and Shameless, Kw

The Power of Inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYwNY-5DaZg

I am humbled to be featured in this video along with these other amazing and moving stories.

Sober and Shameless, Kw

Lets Get Addicted

I was asked at my last speaking engagement by a woman, “Kristina Do you think that helping others is a new addiction for you?”

I was surprised by the question. I stood in silence for minutes as I considered my response.

 “In my addiction, I did terrible things. I am a person who has done anything to get and stay high. I have robbed homes, sold my body, I have hurt my family; changing and altering their lives forever, which is a weight I carry. I was viscous and cold and heartless. I stole from you anything I could take and would lie to get want I wanted. Every second I was awake I wanted to die. I lived this way for years, and would infect anyone near me with the misery of my addiction.

In the last 17 years, I have tried to change my outlook on life. I have made peace with those I harmed most, including myself. I have laid the truth of my life and addiction out for the public see, and bared the vulnerability of standing, bare, exposed and honest, in hopes that others might learn. I have built a practice helping families, fighting and waging the war against active addiction. I have sat up late into the night with newcomer women who are scared and overwhelmed at the prospect of a life sober, when drinking and using is what we do best. I have sat in homeless shelters, spoken at numerous high schools, churches and community centers, trying to educate on addiction and inspire change and recovery. In 17 years, I have gone from opening my eyes in the morning, feeling so angry that I was still alive, to opening my eyes, and asking myself, ‘how can I help today?”

My life has purpose and at the end of the day, when the kids are asleep and the work is done, the house is quite and the day complete, I can honestly say, I am proud of who I am and the life I lead.”

The room stood, and applauded, as tears rolled down my cheeks.

If a life of service is a needle in my veins, I’ll shoot it, if helping others fills me with the sweet sense of purpose, I will inhale it and if giving of myself helps others ‘live and rediscover life,’ I’ll drink it.

If helping others is addiction, I say, “let’s get Addicted.”

Sober and Shameless, Kw

Fox Interview with KW

http://video.foxnews.com/v/4114599/overcoming-addiction