The Truth

I have been asked many times how my husband died and for all these weeks I have been at a loss for words. As this year comes to close and the new year is slowly approaching, I want to be finished with that painful question. 
It is with a very heavy heart that I say, September 5 John committed suicide, after a battle with depression.
I did find him. It is a scene that will be with me until the day I die; the second I walked in the room, before I even saw him on the bed, I knew death was present. Death is quite and very still; it hangs in the air and freezes all movement and time. I knew he gone before I even found him. The angel of death is swift, certain and unforgiving.  
I have been left with great wondering. I wonder what he was feeling in the last minutes of his beautiful life. I wonder why he did not call me, or his family or his friends, or anyone. I wonder what he thought about when he loaded the gun, looked at the pictures of our sweet children, as he sat on the bed and texted each of us, ‘I love you’. I wonder what he felt in the final moments as he laid down and I wonder what his last thought was as he put the gun to his head. I wonder if he finally felt a sense of peace that his terrible pain would be over in a matter of seconds and I wonder if he heard the gunshot or if he felt any pain. I wonder many things. Sometimes, all fucking night long, I wonder.
I have had the private and spiritual privilege to witness incredible pain in the lives of others. I consider it, and always have, an honor to walk families and addicts through their darkest days. I have sat with a family as they told their 21-year-old son, as he came out of a coma, that while driving drunk in a black out, he killed a family of 5 and would be spending the majority his life in San Quentin. I have sat at the grave site of a 55 year mother who died in her sleep from drinking, while her sweet children slept in their rooms and finally I have sat with a father who lost 2 of his 3 kids to a drunk driver, as he sobbed and screamed beneath the crushing and insurmountable pain of the loss of his beloved children and I have watched each of these families, in time, know a new happiness and find meaning in their loss. I have found solace in the knowing that I cannot bare wittiness to the grace of god in the lives of others and not believe that same grace will be fall me and mine.  
It is said that pain is the touchstone to spiritual growth and I understand this now in new way. My heart has been broken, wide open, vulnerable, exposed, as if I am without skin. I am able to feel different, more and deeper. I am able love and laugh and cry in a way I could not before. I can see more clearly the pain in others and have a deeper understanding of the fear that can strangle slowly the life vibration out of a living being as they sit by helplessly and watch a loved one slip away into the dark. I have a new compassion for the helplessness and a new appreciation for the amount of love it takes to truly let someone go, knowing full well, you may never see them alive again. 
The pain of the last four months has, at times, left me with a feeling of wanting to retreat, as if he blew a huge hole right through the middle of my life, and all I have built is being sucked through the gaping wound. My faith was shaken, my legs weak and my heart broken but I as I caught my breath and my balance, I have emerged with a new and fierce motivation to rise above. I will not have John’s suicide define my children or me. I have worked each day for 18 years to heal, recover and to find the strength to face the world, chest forward, head up, and step into the life I was meant to live, with passion and purpose. I have a renewed inspiration to be of service and to fight and wage the war against addiction.  
In this new year, I recommit myself and my purpose to fighting, encouraging, inspiring and illuminating the way of the dark and into recovery, where a new life, a new hope and a new existence can be had by anyone who is broken and brave enough to simply surrender. 
I have been down the last many months but I am not out. I am back and I am ready for 2012. 
Thank you again for your unwavering support, thoughts, prayers and emails. You each have helped carry me through some of the most difficult days of my life. 
Sober and Shameless.

Comments

[Debra Payette]

I am deeply sorry for your loss of your husband. "May Jehovah bless you and keep you. May Jehovah make his face shine toward you, and may he favor you. May Jehovah lift up his face toward you ans assign peace to you." Numbers 6:24-26

[Jim Mason]

Kristina, you are truely an amazing woman. I have enjoyed meeting you and talking with you and am still in awe that you came to speak to us in Yosemite so soon after your husbands death. My prayers remain with you and your family.

[Lane Schneider]

I am truly sorry to hear about your loss. You are a great example of the program of recovery, no matter what life deals us, we can get through it without the need for a drink or a drug. And then we move forward and use our experience to help others. Wishing you and your family a blessed 2012.

[Donot7]

Dear Kristina

i cannot even come close to imagine what you are going through. and it brakes my heart because i feel in some way i know you and i wonder: how much does one person have to go through???
your strenght is astonishing, it goes to another lenght than i have ever seen before. you inspire endlessly, even in those dark times that you share with us on facebook.
it is difficult to find words when something so tragic happens and "i am sorry" would be the understatement of the year. so with those words above maybe you can find strenght in them when you think you have none left. Apart from your family and friends you are most important to, us, strangers. You have changes our lives, our minds of thinking our motivation about life. Without even knowing we exist but you made a HUGE difference to me and surely to many many others.

i wrote my university application the other day and they asked a question about which book touched and ispired me most. obviously i wrote about "the lost years". i wrote about you being a role model and i might have come across a little weird but it is true you have truely touched my life!

i wish i could have posted that on facebook. but ohhh (dramatic voice) the shame :/ so yeah, good that you are still shameless..me not so much.YET ;)

sorry for any typos, i'm not english!
feel hugged and loved!!xx

[Nancy Kerns]

What courage! Great job. And what a great model for your children, who might need that to innoculate themselves against helplessness in the face of depression later in life. The best antidote for what they've had to go through is what you are doing: acknowledging the pain, but not letting it ruin your life. I JUST saw your show for the first time last night; my husband and I watched a number of episodes on netflix and googled you and found your business site and the blog just now. I'm so sorry for your loss, but am glad you are finding the strength to continue your work. You seem GREAT at it, and your "no surprises" model makes the most sense to me.

[D]

Kristina I am so sorry about your husband....I had no idea....I read your book after seeing you and your mom on some show last year or maybe earlier....but after getting in a naranon support group, I ordered a copy of your book and have read it twice. We are sharing it in our group and have used it in our meetings...sharing excerpts from time to time. I looked up your blog today and am totally blown away by what has happened to you. I am very thankful that you are not giving in to the horror and pain of it all and letting it swallow you up again. Thank you for that....because it gives us (your extended family) reason to keep going forward. Our group is comprised mostly of parents, but all are struggling to keep going...sometimes just to breathe in this horrible world of our children's addictions. Your book has given us strength...as we are all in different steps in this process of recovery....and we so appreciate you and your mom....the strength and perserverance you both have....and the willingness to lay yourselves bare in this so that we can be helped. Many of us have a strong faith in God and know that without Him we could not make it. I truly believe that He has given us the gift of you ...and hopefully we can be encouragement to you as you are to us. I will be praying for you all constantly....please know that there are lots of us who lift you up to the God who loves us more. Thank you Kristina.....I pray you feel loving arms around you and your family daily.

[Sandy Summers]

I'm so sorry for you and your children's loss. My children's father, who was also an addict, committed suiced on August 1, 2006. Many people believe that suicide is a gaurantee into hell...I don't believe that. I believe that depression is a disease just like any other that can be fatal. I also believe that God is all loving. People that die of cancer are mourned in a different way than that of people who die of suicide, even if the cancer is brought on by the foods we eat, knowing they're bad for us, or the cigarettes we smoke. I don't see depression being any different, except that it is even deeper and darker than any cancer one may face. I admire you for your strength, and thank you for sharing your pain with so many others that are struggling to make sense of this hell on earth.

[A_goodman]

As others who have posted a comment, I must begin with how sorry I am for you and your family's loss. I was shocked to read this post today, even seven months after his death and a few months after your post. Your courage and strength are astonishing and your children are so fortunate to be raised by such an exemplary woman.

I just want to briefly mention how fortunate I feel to have read your book. I am in a required course for my major (community health/pre-nursing), Drugs In Society, and was given the extra credit assignment to complete a book report on one of several hundred book options. I somewhat randomly chose yours after briefly reading through numerous summaries. I think what drew me in were the first-hand accounts of both you and your mother - very different from any other story. Anyhow, I read it in about a day; not because my deadline is approaching, rather, I simply couldn't put it down. I decided to do a little more research on your successes after such a wonderful ending. So happy to hear that despite more turbulence, you're even stronger than before. I will continue to keep up with your blog, your show and your continued success as you and your astonishing strength have forever impacted me. Thank you for putting yourself out in the open - I now feel I have read the first-hand account of one of the strongest women today.

[Chantelle James]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother died by suicide in December, 2010 and I understand how devastating it is for someone you love to die by suicide. My heart goes out to you and your children as you deal with your terrible loss.

Sending strength and healing thoughts to you and your children.

[Jaime Rucinski]

You are magnificantly beautiful!!

[Honey1962]

I just tuned into Addicted recently trying to learn more about addiction. My 20 year old daughter is struggling with an addiction to opiates. I have learned from you to let her go and heal myself. I have started going to nar anon meetings and have ordered your book. I am currently reading Sharing Experience Strength & Hope. I love her and hope she will soon be ready to want to get better until then I have to be strong. Watching you last night (I DVR'd the episode) and seeing your pain truly made me think how I could have ever thought ending my life would stop my heartache. Never in my life had I thought of doing such a thing until living with my addicted daughter for 2 years. But hearing your perspective and seeing the pain on your face was surmountable. I will never think that way again, nor will I allow myself to be in pain any longer for something I cannot control. Thank you so much for all you do for addicts and their families, I truly wish I had someone like you to lean on. Until I find that person, I will continue to follow your good work and watch and learn from your show. God bless you Kristina and your family, you are truly an angel on this earth.

[Rjwesq823]

You are so strong and I am so impressed. I am grateful to and have been blessed to have watched and heard your story.

[sue]

Kristina,
I am very sorry for your families loss of your husband. I just finished your book,and the strength you have to fight your addiction,can be drawn on to deal with this tragedy your family has to endure.
I loss my very dear cousin at age 44 to suicide almost 8 years ago. she left behind 2 girls,that must go on,learn coping skills,their mom lacked. All I can do is hope they find their way,and understand,there is always a better way.
I am very sorry for you,and your family are in my prayers! God Bless!

[Clint Wilson]

I too have felt this feeling of loss in my lifetime. Inspiring tale of courage within your prose Kristina.

~Clint
@cazoomi